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The Catch-22 Aspect of Being a Nanny or Au Pair

Monday, April 25, 2011

Along with many other nannies and au pairs out there, I spend an extremely significant amount of time with my current charge. To be more specific, Maya, the sweetest and most adorable nine-month-old you will ever meet, is in my care Monday through Friday from 7:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m., which is a total of 50 hours per week. We spend our days together filled with adventures at the zoo, fun-filled days at the children’s museum, and trips to various neighborhood coffee shops for music time. As if that weren’t enough to keep us busy, we also take a swim class twice a week and a baby sign language class once a week at the local community center. All of this time and interaction with one another has definitely formed a pretty amazing bond between the two of us. Nothing is better than walking into work every morning and being greeted by her crawling over to me, with her tiny arms raised into the air, almost begging to be picked up. What’s even better is that I am lucky enough to have the most wonderful mom boss who helps to foster the nanny-child connection and also believes that the bond her daughter and I have will have a tremendous impact on the other relationships she will form later on in life.

Throughout my years as a nanny, it is an honor to have been chosen by the families I have worked for to have such a great impact on the lives of their children. Next to their parents, it is my job and responsibility to provide these children with a sense of both emotional and physical security on a daily basis. I feel that because of this, it is my obligation to explain to parents during my interviews how important it is, for their children’s sake, to hire someone who will be in it for the long haul. What some nannies and even some parents don’t understand is that a sudden loss or change in caregivers can be a significant stressor for a child. When the child realizes that the attachment figure who was there to care for him when his parents were not able to can simply disappear, he may be more cautious in developing future relationships. My suggestion to both parents and nannies to prevent this from happening is to agree to work together for at least a year, if not more. This way it gives both the child and the nanny or au pair enough time to form a substantial bond, as well as the opportunity for them to create lasting memories together that the child will be able to draw upon once the caregiver is not an active part of his daily life.

Although I have addressed how difficult it can be for the children when a nanny has to leave her position with their family, it is also critical to note that this can be a very hard time for the adults involved as well. While I have been fortunate that all of my nanny positions have been for at least two years or more, I still see this career as being somewhat of a catch-22. Much like the children, I have become attached to and very fond of each and every child I have had the pleasure of caring for throughout the past nine years. It has been of the utmost importance for me to build both a nurturing and trusting relationship with them while also being mindful that all of these positions will eventually have an expiration date connected to them. When the time does come for this healthy codependent relationship to end, know that there are many fun and creative things you can do to help both the children and parents (and yourself) move forward once your position with them ends. Below are a few of my suggestions.

Create a photo album. Gather a few pictures that you have of the children and yourself together (take some if you don’t have any), and put them in a photo album for the children to always remember you by.

Create lasting memories. I have always made it a point to plan some sort of fun outing to do with the children I have cared for on my last day with the family. (Be sure to clear this with both mom and dad bosses.) This can be as simple as taking the children out to get ice cream or as elaborate as taking them to a local theme park for a day filled with fun food and rides.

Set up a future visit. If you live nearby, ask the parents if they wouldn’t mind setting up a time in the near future for you to come by and visit with the children. Not only will this help to alleviate the children’s temporary heartbreak of losing you as their nanny, but it will also give them something to look forward to. I have had the opportunity to go back and visit all of my previous charges and their parents and have also been lucky enough to babysit for each and every one of them on occasion!

In closing, I hope that I have given you a bit of insight about how important your role as a nanny or au pair is in the lives of the children you care for everyday, and how you can help to ease the transition when it is time for you to say your goodbyes. Always remember that your job is one of the most influential ones out there, and to take pride in the impact you are having on today’s future generation!

“A nanny shapes our children, in ways we will never know…they challenge and inspire them and prepare them as they grow.” –Anonymous

-Nanny Katherine

Tags: au pair, babysitting, care, Child Care, children, creating memories, domestic work, ease, employment, fun food, nanny, nanny position, say goodbye, separation process, tips for working with nannies

Categories: Activities for Kids, Nanny Activity Ideas, Resources for Aupairs, Resources for Families, Resources for Nannies, Tips for Nannies and Au Pairs

1 Comment | Add One | Trackback (0) Posted by Katherine Berkley

A Nanny’s Dilemma as a Working Mother

Thursday, March 24, 2011

I was asked an interesting question yesterday afternoon while attending a children’s music event with my eight-month-old charge, Maya. Soon after we got settled and sat down, one of the mothers with a baby around the same age came over to join us and struck up a conversation with me. She said, “Wow, your daughter is beautiful! She has your gorgeous blue eyes!” “Oh, thank you,” I replied. “She’s not mine, though; I’m her nanny.”

She then asked me if I had any children of my own, and I told her that I do, in fact, have a three-and-a-half-year-old daughter. “Really?” she asked. “Where is she today?” By this point I already knew where this conversation was going, and I was afraid to even answer the question. “She’s at day care,” I said. She then asked the question that I have been asked almost on a weekly basis since I put my daughter in day care a little over two years ago. “How in the world can you justify placing your own child in day care so that you can go love, care, and nurture someone else’s child?”

My very first instinct was to tell her that it really was none of her business, but I went with my second thought, which was to try and explain the situation and my opinion on the topic to her. While I love my daughter more than anything in this world, I am like any other working mother out there who has to work to support herself and her family. I thank my lucky stars that for the first year and a half of her life, I was fortunate enough to be employed by a family who wanted nothing more than for me to bring her with me to work. They viewed it as an opportunity for their son to have age-appropriate interaction with another child while supporting my desire to be my daughter’s primary caregiver for at least the first year of her life. I want to note that this is definitely not the norm in the nanny world. In fact, most families have a completely different view on the subject, as they would much prefer that their nanny cares exclusively for their children while on the clock. Although I treasured each day with my daughter, when I was privileged enough to have her with me while on duty, my opinion on this has changed a great deal over the years. Soon after my little one’s first birthday, I started to realize that this was quickly becoming not an ideal situation and a huge conflict of interest.

I can’t even begin to convey to you how much it hurt my heart when I was put in a position to tend to my charge first when both he and my own child needed me at the same exact moment. I felt like I was the rope in a game of tug-of-war, wanting desperately to take both sides and comfort them both; however, as his nanny, it was my duty and obligation to make sure he was okay first. This was only one of many times I was faced with this type of situation, but it was ultimately what led me to the conclusion that I was going to have to become a full-on working mother without having the opportunity to spend that time caring for my daughter as well.

The decision to place her in the hands of a full-time caregiver at a home day care was one of the most painful and gut-wrenching things I have ever experienced, but at the same time, I knew that it was in everyone’s best interest. The way I saw it, I owed it to my child to put food on the table, clothes on her back, and a roof over her head. It was also of the utmost importance to me that I was able to give my charge my full attention while caring for him and his needs, which is what I was hired to do. I was grateful that I got to stay in the career I loved while also being able to devote every single moment that I was not working to my daughter and her happiness.

In conclusion, my answer is this: Not everyone has the luxury of being lucky enough to stay home and raise their children, and we shouldn’t let anyone make us feel guilty or judge us for not having that option. Also, for those of us who have chosen a career as a professional nanny (and also to the working moms out there who have chosen a different profession), we are no different than the nurse who must go to work to care for a critically ill patient or even the schoolteacher who goes to work each day to teach and enrich the lives of her students. To my fellow nannies out there who are trying to balance two of the most wonderful jobs out there (being a mother and a nanny), please always try to remember that you are no less than an excellent mother because you must work to support your family. There is no doubt this is a hard balancing act to handle, but take it from me: With a lot of love and dedication toward both the children you care for and your own children, it is possible to have the best of both worlds.

Sunset Image: Gabriella Fabbri